Fried Rice, Sad Demise

What happens when you have a huge bowlful of rice for dinner against your better judgement.

Its uncanny.

Cartoon (rather, caricature) by Meera who revels in my misfortunes with unconcealed glee.

Going nowhere

I had a flight to catch. An early morning one at that. Early - a category, which for me includes the 8am flight which I was about to board. Because it wasn't just the time which the Embraer left the gate. It was the hour and half before that which one had to spend on the airport sitting on uncomfortable plastic seats trying not to nod off on the shoulder of the person sitting next to you. Add to that the hour and half of the train journey getting to the airport, the 30 mins spent walking to the train station, not to mention all the buffer zones. Such a mislabelling of the word 'journey' when getting there is more work than the actual flight. Kind of like the Pursuit of Happyness - if 'happyness' is spending two hours in a pressurized aluminum tube rebreathing the same recirculated air.

Anyway, it wasn't the journey I was looking forward to in the first place. All I expected was falling asleep in uncomfortable sitting positions, head banging against the glass window a few times and maybe a scalding cup of so-called coffee along the way. Thus I made my way to the train station, hastily packed bag in hand, at the ungodly hour of four in the morning. I was probably the only one boarding the train at my station, understandable, considering it is close to deserted even at normal times. I couldn't even fall asleep immediately because there was a transfer which had to be made about a quarter of the way in. Once I stepped onto the next train, however, I was looking forward to a little shut eye, especially as I hadn't slept a wink since last night. Even though it was July, early mornings are always chilly, and I invariably find 70F temperature controlled environments slightly uncomfortable. I tried to settle into a halfway comfortable position, wrapping my jacket around me like a blanket to get slightly toasty. I think I drifted off because the next thing I heard was twittering.

Now I know many people, especially men (and some women too) who have encountered interesting (read: attractive) members of the opposite sex on journeys, and spent the few hours of what was looking to be a boring journey in a slightly more memorable fashion. But that had never happened to me. Unfailingly I would be seated next to a fat man who called dibs on the armrest and overflowed into my seat or the fidgety 13 year old who wouldn't stay still. The twittering was a good sign. I half opened one of my eyes to see what was going on and sitting next to me, talking animatedly to her friend across the aisle, was a blond dressed from head to toe in diaphanous white. Well, not head to toe, more like plunging-neckline to mid-thigh. Interesting, I thought and opened the aforementioned eye fully. Of course my social ineptness meant that I couldn't ever start a conversation, and anyway the presence of the friend shot that idea to hell before it even took hold. So I settled down to observe.

Something I have always wondered and which to me gives credence to the idea of some women being labelled 'cold-blooded', is how can they wear such a small amount of clothing when its cold out - and not appear to be uncomfortable in any way. Perhaps I should offer her my jacket, I wondered, chivalrous thoughts obviously being the first ones to enter my mind. But opening doors is one thing and offering jackets is an entirely different level. Plus, it would be highly embarrassing for both parties if the rumpled, sleeping guy on the next seat suddenly offered his jacket. So I stayed put. Why, in an early morning train, with several thousand empty seats did she elect to sit next to the sleeping guy, I thought. Surely, something was fishy, very fishy. Either that, or I was completely invisible to the opposite sex, which is also a distinct possibility. In any case, there were too many permutations to consider and reject. As the spirited conversation continued - much too spirited for five in the morning, actually - with lots of gesticulating and loud laughter, I thought how peaceful and uncomplicated my life had been before this apparition had appeared and how much I wanted that back. The pressure was too much. Why me! Everything was going fine before! As this train of thought was catching up speed, the train I was on slowed to a halt, the last one. I stood up and extracted my bag from the overhead rack. I turned to look back and she was nowhere to be seen.

I had my old life back.

Perceptions of home

I woke up, very unusually at 6:00 am. The weather generally being overcast, it was dark outside. Very reluctant to get out of the cozy warmth of the blanket, I decided to give myself half an hour more. No point getting up when its not even light out, I reasoned. Didn't really fall asleep, but had a daydream, partly fueled by the events of the past few days, all the while dreading the 30 minutes counting down on the cellphone.


Dragged myself out of bed, cleaned up, picked up the book and looked longingly at the bed. After all the warmth I had invested, it seemed like such a waste to leave now. Even though reading in bed, especially in the early morning has been fraught with danger for me, rationality lost out to comfort. So passed another hour, reading - but not quite, and drifting off a few times. Finally the conscience kicked in, and I extricated myself out of the bed, pulled on my socks and made my way downstairs.

It wasn't a bright and cheery day, and I am a person who needs my morning tea on the best of days. So I found myself in the kitchen, looking at a daunting array of shelves and cupboards. I'll make do with the tea bag version, I decided, not wishing to make the inevitable racket that accompanies a good exploration of a drawer full of steel vessels. As I sat down with a hot cup of water and two bags of Taj Mahal trying their best to give it their everything, I opened my laptop and logged in to google reader.

Being Monday, The New Yorker had updated its feed. And I happened to read this. I smiled at the coincidence of situation I had been in not 10 minutes ago, but the theme of the piece triggered exactly opposite emotions in me. Home is far away, but a place very close to home is something I hadn't imagined I would find here. Even if its just for a weekend, I am made to feel right at home, smack bang in the middle of my comfort zone. Whether its raiding the fridge or spending a day in front of the TV writing code, its just like another day at home.

But perhaps what made me shake my head at Jenny Allen in disagreement was a remark by my cousin to his mom saying that she's got one more son now.

From bad to worse

It happens suddenly. One moment your life is going on as it does, you think it could not possibly get worse. So obviously it does. Perhaps there is a rule somewhere that fate adheres to. Of striking you when the chips are down.

Its things like these that drive a person over the edge. You imagine human beings as resilient creatures, with deep reserves of patience and perseverance but it takes one little incident to throw that picture out of the window.

Especially when this has happened to you before - at one time, twice in a month - you begin to think that fate has nothing to do with it. "Its my fault", says your subconscious but you don't want to believe it. You know it just happened. But did it?

These are things you keep to yourself. No one talks about it. Its never out in the open. You just carry on like nothing has happened and smile and bob your head. But for what? Why this pretense?

I wish these things would never happen to anybody.

Because its really very annoying when one side of the headphones dies on you.

From the pages of History - II

Part 2 of the 'From the pages of History' series.

Loyal readers of this blog (there are 5) should know that it was a team effort and I was merely the archivist by default since I happened to pen down the first point on a page torn out of my book.

MMJ is so dark that....

1. ...Mrs. MMJ uses night vision goggles in bed.
2. ...Luke Skywalker hates him cause he IS the dark side of The Force.
3. ...even Voldemort calls him the 'Dark Lord'.
4. ...he is the leading cause of global warming.
5. ...dark, darker, darkest, MMJ. (Oxford Dictionary (India) 2005 edition)
6. ...our classroom blackboards turn green (with envy).
7. ...his parents have labeled his childhood photo album, 'The Dark Ages'.
8. ...Metallica's Black album was actually dedicated to him.
9. ...the jokes he cracks in class are called Black Humor.
10. ...pencils are available as HB,B,2B,...,7B,MMJ.
11. ...when he eats dark chocolate it looks like a milkybar.
12. ...in school he was listed under 'apparatus' for 'Radiation of black body' experiment.
13. ...when he goes for an X-ray, they have to use white film.
14. ...when he was small, his mother used talcum powder for the 'tika' so that 'drishta lagnaar nahi'.
15. ...his sunscreen is -40 SPF.
16. ...his shadow gets embarrassed in his presence.
17. ...he stars in the new Hollywood flick, 'Opaque Man'.
18. ...he calls himself 'Mr. India' at night.
19. ...blacks call him 'coloured'.
20. ...he makes carbon paper by wiping his face on tissues.
21. ...Osama is thinking of using him to defeat face recognition technology.
22. ...first God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. Then God said, "Let there be darkness." And MMJ was created.
23. ...when he directs a movie, the credits will say, M. 'Night' Jadhav
24. ...when he tried Xeroxing his butt, the machine ran out of toner.
25. ...when he wore torn pants to school, the kids asked him why he had sat in tar.
26. ...when MMJ was created God said, "Shit!!, Jal Gaya!!"
27. ...when he grins, it is like chicklets floating in the air.
28. ...he was the CIA's most successful shadow operative...until he was posted to Alaska.
29. ...he offered to work naked for MIB.
30. ...when he was disowned by his relatives, they called him 'the white sheep of the family'.
31. ...when he returns after a long hiatus, he says he is, 'back in black'
32. ...he did so much proxy voting last time, they had to make provision for eraz-ex at his polling booth.
33. ..he leaves fingerprints on charcoal.
34. ...when he goes to Cafe Coffee Day, it becomes Cafe Coffee Night.
35. ...he is stopped by the cops for wearing black visor helmet.
36. ...Iron Maiden were so scared of him, they wrote 'Fear of the Dark'.
37. ...when he appears on TV it goes out of sync. [!! - nerdy]
38. ...when feminist groups protest about his behaviour, they whiten his face with neutral polish.

This list was born in a very dull and largely silent System Programming class and achieved minor fame over the next few days as people vented their frustration at the protagonist and his (evil) ways. However, me and Akshay possessed the largest list of complaints since he happened to be our final year project guide.

From the pages of History

Much has been said and written about the apathy of youth. They don't care about their country, couldn't be bothered about the environment and have an atrocious taste in music. I know, I am one of them. To be honest, I agree with points #1 and 3 (Linkin Park? really?) but point #2 has me thinking. Albeit involuntarily, the youth do contribute to saving the environment.

I mean, back in the day it wasn't a pressing need to save the environment that made us share a ride to college but a simple desire to maximise canteen money while keeping the loss of mobility to a minimum. And The Bong must have really been the scraping the bottom of the proverbial barrel when he agreed to sit behind me, when we did the 15 min record dash from SCOE to Parihar Chowk on my Kinetic, arriving cleanly shaven and white knuckled. Then there are books. In school, for every subject we had a classwork notebook, a homework notebook and a composition notebook, plus about a dozen textbooks and a calendar. In engineering college it came down to one notebook - if that and textbooks which one invariably bought second hand (always buy one owned by a girl because they highlight all the important stuff). Reduce and recycle. In four years of engineering I alone must have saved about an acre of rainforest.

Which brings me to the one subject for which I had made a separate notebook. One subject which I did not ever bunk and could always be seen frantically taking notes. I paid so much attention that for once the 50 guys out-attentioned the 3 girls in class. If someone tapped my shoulder to say something I would get pissed off and give them dirty looks. And joy of joys! The fruit of my labour is not lost as I had feared. Apparently it survived the transcription into a word document, 3 different computers and a couple of DVD burns, as I found the small folder hidden in forgotten backup folder on my external drive.

So here I present, once again, the best of PSP

1. Certain amount of work done is done
2. Whatever amount of grasping here is to be reproduced at the time of exam
3. In Poona there is certain amount of height difference is there
4. We are sending letters to parents for safer side of ours
5. Always we are preparing substraction (sic) between these two values
6. Whenever we have addition certain amount of contradiction we are getting
7. In practice we are having atmosphere acting on surface of earth
8. Whatever amount of pipe connection is there, at bottom we are getting connection
9. The liquid flowing may be of liquid state or it may be of various gases or it may be of liquid state
10. This is the law of zeroth law of thermodynamics
11. Whatever amount of heat addition is there that amount of utilisation is there if no other lossesses are there
12. Can you have calculators
13. If you touch coil you are getting much more hotter on the inside
14. Whatever amount of airs from both sides are there are kept as it is
15. We are having certainly a amount of work done to be done in this
16. This the law of ENERGY OF CONSERVATION
17. In book also certain amount of jumbling is there
18. Certain persons are thinking in fashion that I want a work but I am not spending energy
19. Machines are drived by a single engine
20. Initially I had not said anything; Lastly question paper is given
21. Whatever amount of matter is flowing through it that is flowing through entire system
22. Power is morely transmitted
23. With the help of certain amount of hammer we are hammering on it
24. We are having certain amount of jamming, so not to happen it, we are giving certain amount of taper on it
25. We are preparing certain amount of section on this tooth which is called as tooth
26. These tooths are certainly inclined so that contacting area is certainly increased
27. One more important another is there
28. Thirdly, number Fourth, Heat exchanger
29. Today, class is of full of strength
30. Fire tube boilers are generated to 25 bar
31. Don't jumble in between fire tube and water tube
32. When they are preparing cream and other arrangement in milk industry
33. Rope is (a) belt of round configuration
    
34. There are certain amount of advantages over disadvantages
    

(who would have thought that a lecture about friction and ways to reduce it would degenerate into eroticism)

35. Two muffs are separated in two separate halves
36. We are having a bush and in the soft material we are inserting the shaft
37. In between the shaft the balls are placed
38. We want to press the balls on the shaft

For the record, the subject was Elements of Mechanical Engineering (EME). A subject which proved quite entertaining all the way to the end of the exam and the ride home, thanks to The Bong - a story for another time.

Sorry to Disappoint

Why are some people so obtuse about certain things?

Before trying so hard to 'draw me out of my shell', did you pause for a moment and think that maybe that is how I am. I like it in my shell, thank you very much.

I am sorry I am not as ebullient and outgoing as you are, but we are not exactly stormtroopers in the clone army, are we?

I am sorry I don't share your enthusiasm about the music you listen to and the movies you watch and honestly, sometimes I don't even give a rat's ass about it. But I don't recall either of us conferring soulmate status on the other. Hell, I don't even recall conferring 'friend' status. So just let it go.

I am sorry I am not in the same league of 'coolness' or of the same wavelength as your old friends, but lets not pretend we are in this by choice. I feel your pain. But do I say it out loud every time? No.

When you ask me for my opinion on every bloody thing, and I just nod or say nothing, it doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. Trust me, I have an opinion on everything. But when I am silent, take it from me that it is not something you would want to hear.

I have a name. Its all very well adding '-ya' to someone's name to make it a nickname but do you really expect me to respond when you add it to my wireless SSID and address me by the concatenation?

Its ok if we are in the same room and there is silence for 10 minutes. Seriously, no pressure.

Regards,

Illusions are meant to be shattered

On Halloween, I decided to tone down the scariness and get myself a haircut. I have been blessed by hair that is absolutely unmanageable when longer than 2 inches, which has been compared by my aunt to a nylon floor mat. And she was being nice. So getting a haircut is a chore that is not very tolerant to the usual procrastination.

And thus I found myself walking to the hair cutting place just outside campus at 5:30 on Friday. Weekends being sacrosanct in the land of the free, no self respecting establishment would be open. But the fact that it was after 5 in the evening made it quite possible that my long walk would be for nothing and I would have to plod my way back with the mop on my head intact.

Things turned out better than I hoped. The last time I had been there, they had been planning a renovation and it was complete. Very nice indeed. Apparently, in a bid to actually pay for those renovations, they had decided to keep the place open on weekends too (and raised prices by a dollar, but then who hasn't). But better than that, they were open till 6, which meant that I could potentially go home light headed and free. The problem was the two people in the chairs and the two people waiting their turn. But the guy told me not to worry, they'll close after finishing with me. So I waited my turn outside and spent that half hour in a most pleasant manner, something I had almost forgotten. But that is not where the tale is headed.

I must reveal at this point that the reason most guys go this certain place outside campus is the prospect of having Danielle run her fingers gently through your hair, which has its attractions. Sharply contrasting with the on-campus hairdresser where you face a Rastafarian guy attacking you with clippers while bhangra music plays in the background (I kid you not). Men who have never paid more than Rs. 20 for a haircut and are morally against all forms of tips have returned with gelled spiky hair, misty eyes and wallets a couple of dollars lighter than the necessary 15. The reason why Chandler mouthed 'Oh my God!' when Kathy was trimming his hair becomes crystal clear as the shampoo is gently but firmly massaged into your hair.

Among one of my many social failings is a total lack of the ability to make small talk with random people. This was no different. I sat there in stony silence while she went to work. Then out of the blue ....

D: So, you heading out to any Halloween party?

A: (surprised) Nah. No parties. Have work to do.

D: You are doing Electrical Engineering, aren't you?

A: (barely masking :-o) You remember me?

D: Of course I do.

A: (smug look coupled with usual loss of words)

(couple of minutes pass by)

A: How about you?

D: huh?

A: Are you going to any party?

D: Oh no... I'm going to stay at home, put out candy for the neighborhood kids.

A: Oh.

D: My son and his dad are going though. He's dressed as the Hulk.

A: Oh.

(cue sounds of shattering glass or, like in recent bollywood fare - a flush)

A: (forced smile)

The forced smile stayed in place even as I shelled out the 2 dollars tip and trudged home with a heavy, broken heart.