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The whole world is grateful.
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
2009-11-25
2009-10-21
Space - The Final Frontier
Evidentlythe22lakhpeoplefromthese250centersin140citieswillnowlearntowritefluentenglishwithnaryaspacebetweenwords.
They , howeverwilllearntoinsertanextraspacebetweenacommaanditsprecedingword.
They , howeverwilllearntoinsertanextraspacebetweenacommaanditsprecedingword.
2009-10-13
Smokin Joe's
It started as an attempt to rhyme toes with rose, immediately moved on to Joe's, and apparently, we set the proverbial ball rolling because this is what followed..
AP:
foes / chose / grows / pose / lows / joe's / nose / woes / rose
ML:
joe's....!
how would that one go??
AP:
Dinner at Smokin' Joe's
was the start of our woes
how I wish we chose
someplace else, but - who knows
ML:
Dinner last night was at Smokin' Joe's
i love the way he strikes a pose
a cowboy hat, beware oh foes
and a thick black stache under his nose!
AP:
So we decide on smokin joe's
and the place is not even close
but there she was with her button nose
she smiled at me and my heart beat rose
ML:
Last winter we went to smokin joe's
the heat was out and the cold winds rose
we waited there with curled up toes
who ate our pizza - god only knows!
AP:
There was an itch between my toes
and that was the least of my woes
'cause when I went to Smokin Joe's
some of that chilli went up my nose
ML:
I was racking my brains to write a small prose
sitting by the window, watching the blooming rose
i crossed my legs and scratched my nose
thats it! i'm getting a pizza from smokin joe's!
AP:
I had a date at Smokin Joe's
But my best friend said, bros before 'hos
In love and war, I said, anything goes
Looking at the bill, I'm glad its her I chose
ML:
I saw this lil boy at smokin joe's
he looked all tattered and picked his nose
but when the pizza was served, in the air he rose
hell! that's the voodoo boy! - i simply froze!
AP:
Sitting outside Smokin Joes
We were besieged by hungry crows
I nudged the nearest with my toes
With a rude stare, the whole flock rose ...
(digressed into a discussion on ghosts -> david copperfield -> mediums -> shorts which are no longer medium)
ML:
We were making up verses about smokin joe's
but we gradually digressed to shorts - why? god knows
in the end, 'size does matter' is the tag line he chose
stop talking about pizza dude and shed some of those kilos!
(a long time later..)
ML:
i'm at my wits' end, as the day narrows
writing the report is adding to my woes
going through this hell, is not something i chose
how i wish singapore had a smokin joe's
AP:
The day has highs, then there are lows
I know you are bored, it really shows
Not hell, just one more of the chores
Finish it off and we won't talk of those ..
*The End*
AP:
foes / chose / grows / pose / lows / joe's / nose / woes / rose
ML:
joe's....!
how would that one go??
AP:
Dinner at Smokin' Joe's
was the start of our woes
how I wish we chose
someplace else, but - who knows
ML:
Dinner last night was at Smokin' Joe's
i love the way he strikes a pose
a cowboy hat, beware oh foes
and a thick black stache under his nose!
AP:
So we decide on smokin joe's
and the place is not even close
but there she was with her button nose
she smiled at me and my heart beat rose
ML:
Last winter we went to smokin joe's
the heat was out and the cold winds rose
we waited there with curled up toes
who ate our pizza - god only knows!
AP:
There was an itch between my toes
and that was the least of my woes
'cause when I went to Smokin Joe's
some of that chilli went up my nose
ML:
I was racking my brains to write a small prose
sitting by the window, watching the blooming rose
i crossed my legs and scratched my nose
thats it! i'm getting a pizza from smokin joe's!
AP:
I had a date at Smokin Joe's
But my best friend said, bros before 'hos
In love and war, I said, anything goes
Looking at the bill, I'm glad its her I chose
ML:
I saw this lil boy at smokin joe's
he looked all tattered and picked his nose
but when the pizza was served, in the air he rose
hell! that's the voodoo boy! - i simply froze!
AP:
Sitting outside Smokin Joes
We were besieged by hungry crows
I nudged the nearest with my toes
With a rude stare, the whole flock rose ...
(digressed into a discussion on ghosts -> david copperfield -> mediums -> shorts which are no longer medium)
ML:
We were making up verses about smokin joe's
but we gradually digressed to shorts - why? god knows
in the end, 'size does matter' is the tag line he chose
stop talking about pizza dude and shed some of those kilos!
(a long time later..)
ML:
i'm at my wits' end, as the day narrows
writing the report is adding to my woes
going through this hell, is not something i chose
how i wish singapore had a smokin joe's
AP:
The day has highs, then there are lows
I know you are bored, it really shows
Not hell, just one more of the chores
Finish it off and we won't talk of those ..
*The End*
2009-10-03
2009-09-30
2009-09-06
The Con is On
To continue the story ...
So I received this wonderful text message from the nice people at Sony.
An hour or so later, I got a call .... basically telling me the same thing, though he used the word 'at least' before the 13k ...
Wow, I thought, my aunt does eye transplants for less.
For a 5 year old camera whose purchase price was 12k, that is a bit of a shock, to put it mildly
Then he went on to explain how the entire mainboard has to be replaced. And how I would be better off buying a new one. No shit, Sherlock.
But I see what Sony is doing here... pass off what might be a bum flash capacitor or a spoiled DC-DC converter as a mainboard replacement and 'subtly' encourage the customer to buy a new one instead.
Very devious. But one thing they forgot is that their current breed of cameras is a bit crap, and if they do push me into buying a new one, there is no way I am buying a Sony with all its proprietary tie-ins. If anything, they have put me off Sonys for a long long time.
Better luck next time.
So I received this wonderful text message from the nice people at Sony.
Your Sony service request is logged as job no. 000300646xxx. The initial repair estimate is Rs. 13811.50. For queries contact XXX-XXXXXXXX.To Sony's credit, they do not round off to the next Rupee, like some places do.
An hour or so later, I got a call .... basically telling me the same thing, though he used the word 'at least' before the 13k ...
Wow, I thought, my aunt does eye transplants for less.
For a 5 year old camera whose purchase price was 12k, that is a bit of a shock, to put it mildly
Then he went on to explain how the entire mainboard has to be replaced. And how I would be better off buying a new one. No shit, Sherlock.
But I see what Sony is doing here... pass off what might be a bum flash capacitor or a spoiled DC-DC converter as a mainboard replacement and 'subtly' encourage the customer to buy a new one instead.
Very devious. But one thing they forgot is that their current breed of cameras is a bit crap, and if they do push me into buying a new one, there is no way I am buying a Sony with all its proprietary tie-ins. If anything, they have put me off Sonys for a long long time.
Better luck next time.
2009-09-03
Customer Support for Dummies
Step 1: Assume that the customer is a dummy.
Actually, cancel that - presume that the customer is a dummy and then proceed.
Is it just me who has these encounters? Is it etched on the lines of my palm?
So, to start the rant, the old faithful, Sony Cybershot s40, nigh on 5 years old now, which in camera years is about 85 was having a problem. On fresh, highly charged batteries, it would last 5-6 shots maximum, before the indicator went to zero and the thing gave up the ghost. Sometimes, even before the lens had time to retract.
Act 1: Scene 1:
Telephone Conversation:
Me: Yes, I have this camera, s40 and it doesn't last even 10 shots on fully charged batteries.
CSE*: How old is this camera?
Me: About 5 years or so..
CSE: Hmmm ... I see, are you using Sony Batteries?
Me: No.
CSE: Sir, I recommend that you use Sony Batteries.
Me: What difference does it make?
CSE: Sir, its the capacity ....
Me: I have a set of 2700mAh batteries, same story.
CSE: Sir, there are other specifications...
Me: Really, like what?
CSE: Errr..... Why don't you test with Sony Batteries and see if it works.
Me: So you want me to spend 1000Rs. on another set of batteries just so you can test your theory? Are you going to reimburse me for them?
CSE: Our service center is open till 6:30 .... this is the address....
Me: You could have saved both our times and just told me this before ...
<hangs up>
*CSE: Customer Service Executive
Act 1: Scene 2:
At Customer Service Center:
Me: <repeating same old story>
CSE:(extracts batteries from camera)
CSE: Now, you see, these are 1.2 volt batteries. Thats why you are facing a problem.
Me: (thinking) Oh God, not another idiot!
Me: Really?
CSE: Yes, you need atleast 2500 megaAmps capacity.
Me: You just said volts.
CSE: Yours only have that written on them.
Me: (thinking) okkkk .. why isn't mercy killing legal, anyway ...
CSE: (showing Sony NiMh cell) See, this is 2700megaAmps. (the '2700' is printed in a larger font than 'Sony', presumably for people like him)
Me: (showing small, but perfectly legible print on my cell) Well, this is a 2000 mAh.
CSE: There is your problem.
Me: Look, when this camera came out, 1200mAh was all there was on the market. It worked fine then. Do your cameras adapt to higher capacity batteries?
CSE: (undoes lanyard) ok. We'll take a look at it. (fiddles with all the buttons)
The mode selector is stuck.
Me: Ohh is it? yeah, I probably didn't check while putting it back together. I moved the switch when it was open, so they don't align anymore.
CSE: (looking at me like I had just confessed to killing my cat and turning it into a handbag) You opened it! <shock><awe><disgust>
Me: Yes, is that a problem? Its out of warranty. And its mine, I can do what I want to with it.
CSE: (avoiding looking at me) I will have to consult with our Engineer to see if we can take this in.
Me: Really? Go ahead.
CSE: <hush-hush conversation on phone. Probably in proprietary Sony® invented language. And compressed in ATRAC>
CSE: Well, we can accept it.
Me: <batting eyelashes> My Hero!
Me: <getting up to leave> Ohhh and by the way... its milliamps. You almost solved India's power crisis single handedly there....
On a side note, 'Executive' in this sense seems to be defined as:
Some dimwit recruited off the street and made to sit behind a desk after a week of training in parroting phrases out of a manual doesn't really fit any of those meanings.
What gives?
P.S.: Further Scenes and Acts to follow. No doubt, they will be along similar lines.
Actually, cancel that - presume that the customer is a dummy and then proceed.
Is it just me who has these encounters? Is it etched on the lines of my palm?
So, to start the rant, the old faithful, Sony Cybershot s40, nigh on 5 years old now, which in camera years is about 85 was having a problem. On fresh, highly charged batteries, it would last 5-6 shots maximum, before the indicator went to zero and the thing gave up the ghost. Sometimes, even before the lens had time to retract.
Act 1: Scene 1:
Telephone Conversation:
Me: Yes, I have this camera, s40 and it doesn't last even 10 shots on fully charged batteries.
CSE*: How old is this camera?
Me: About 5 years or so..
CSE: Hmmm ... I see, are you using Sony Batteries?
Me: No.
CSE: Sir, I recommend that you use Sony Batteries.
Me: What difference does it make?
CSE: Sir, its the capacity ....
Me: I have a set of 2700mAh batteries, same story.
CSE: Sir, there are other specifications...
Me: Really, like what?
CSE: Errr..... Why don't you test with Sony Batteries and see if it works.
Me: So you want me to spend 1000Rs. on another set of batteries just so you can test your theory? Are you going to reimburse me for them?
CSE: Our service center is open till 6:30 .... this is the address....
Me: You could have saved both our times and just told me this before ...
<hangs up>
*CSE: Customer Service Executive
Act 1: Scene 2:
At Customer Service Center:
Me: <repeating same old story>
CSE:(extracts batteries from camera)
CSE: Now, you see, these are 1.2 volt batteries. Thats why you are facing a problem.
Me: (thinking) Oh God, not another idiot!
Me: Really?
CSE: Yes, you need atleast 2500 megaAmps capacity.
Me: You just said volts.
CSE: Yours only have that written on them.
Me: (thinking) okkkk .. why isn't mercy killing legal, anyway ...
CSE: (showing Sony NiMh cell) See, this is 2700megaAmps. (the '2700' is printed in a larger font than 'Sony', presumably for people like him)
Me: (showing small, but perfectly legible print on my cell) Well, this is a 2000 mAh.
CSE: There is your problem.
Me: Look, when this camera came out, 1200mAh was all there was on the market. It worked fine then. Do your cameras adapt to higher capacity batteries?
CSE: (undoes lanyard) ok. We'll take a look at it. (fiddles with all the buttons)
The mode selector is stuck.
Me: Ohh is it? yeah, I probably didn't check while putting it back together. I moved the switch when it was open, so they don't align anymore.
CSE: (looking at me like I had just confessed to killing my cat and turning it into a handbag) You opened it! <shock><awe><disgust>
Me: Yes, is that a problem? Its out of warranty. And its mine, I can do what I want to with it.
CSE: (avoiding looking at me) I will have to consult with our Engineer to see if we can take this in.
Me: Really? Go ahead.
CSE: <hush-hush conversation on phone. Probably in proprietary Sony® invented language. And compressed in ATRAC>
CSE: Well, we can accept it.
Me: <batting eyelashes> My Hero!
Me: <getting up to leave> Ohhh and by the way... its milliamps. You almost solved India's power crisis single handedly there....
On a side note, 'Executive' in this sense seems to be defined as:
–noun
1.a person or group of persons having administrative or supervisory authority in an organization.
2.the person or persons in whom the supreme executive power of a government is vested.
3.the executive branch of a government.
–adjective
4.of, pertaining to, or suited for carrying out plans, duties, etc.: executive ability.
5.pertaining to or charged with the execution of laws and policies or the administration of public affairs: executive appointments; executive committees.
6.designed for, used by, or suitable for executives: an executive suite.
Some dimwit recruited off the street and made to sit behind a desk after a week of training in parroting phrases out of a manual doesn't really fit any of those meanings.
What gives?
P.S.: Further Scenes and Acts to follow. No doubt, they will be along similar lines.
2009-08-26
Say Cheese...
I know I keep posting a lot of Google ads here ... but its funny how they just pick up the words and pay no attention at all to the context.
Just as well. Its good to know that the Google empire is still a long way from becoming sentient.
Just as well. Its good to know that the Google empire is still a long way from becoming sentient.
2009-08-24
Paradox
Do I want the curve?
Or should I go for the flat abs?
Oooo!!! I don't know! I don't know!!!!
2009-08-20
Its an Outrage!
Though I would imagine that the one place in the US that Shah Rukh would be recognized at once would be New Jersey. (especially the airport.)
2009-08-16
Pigs on the Wing ...
Pune.
I am standing in line at the checkout counter at the grocery store, with my two packets of chips and a block of paneer. Third in line.
The nice couple at the counter have finished billing their million items and then proceed to have an extremely educated discussion with the clerk about whether the brand of Basmati Rice they bought is VFM.
Ten minutes.
There is a lady with a small kid in front of me. Both wearing masks. All of us are getting fidgety now.
I check my watch again.
Right next to where I am standing, is a stack of discount agarbattis for sale.
I have been sensitive to agarbattis since I was a kid.
I sneeze.
Woman in front looks at me with sheer terror in her eyes.
She grabs the kid and moves to the furthest counter just as the couple decide that their Basmati is actually the best.
I move in and place my goods on the counter.
WIN!
[Update]
2009-08-13
Larger Than Life ...
From another innuendo filled register article ...
There was a joke going around back in the Cold War:So it wasn't just about whose ICBMs have longer range .. heh.
In an attempted propaganda move, the Soviet Government placed an order for a large quantity of condoms with an American manufacturer. The specified dimensions were considerably larger than the average male anatomy. In a brilliant counter move, the manufacturer filled the order but stamped them "Medium".
2009-08-11
Incomplete thirst thirst?
Dedicated to the person who absolutely hates everything about this song ...
Though youtube's video transcoder pretty much cleans up all the halftoning inadvertently..
2009-08-05
EOS
13x07.
The end of the season.
And probably, the end of an era.
So it could well be the last unabashedly politically incorrect German related World War joke on TV for quite some time.
2009-07-30
2009-05-24
2009-03-03
Back and Forth
My pathological inability to throw away old stuff is manifested in the totally unused 'Shift+Del' combination on my laptop. Stuff that no longer is relevant, just like being consigned to the lower shelves of the cupboard manages to get burned onto a disc and relegated to permanent storage. Is it any wonder that at last count I had 554 movies on 225 discs or that my gmail storage has consistently been about 80% full as far back as I can remember ....
While I prefer to blame my genes (and I have plenty of evidence to back me up), there is no running away from wading through the clutter for something important or the humongous clean up job that looms when the shit hits the fan. So it was that I set about deleting stuff from my inbox. Clearing out old mails that are no longer relevant, drafts that are never going to be sent and conversations that are better off in the trash wasn't such a big deal. Once before, when faced with an ultimatum to delete, I had even registered a new ID and forwarded all the conversations there. Probably its just as well that I don't remember the password now.
So anyway, I chanced upon a conversation from a long long time ago, and I couldn't help but smile. Yes, you'll probably think both parties have the mental age of a 5 year old (and that is true sometimes, won't blame you there) but nevertheless, it was just impromptu and fun. This was way back in the past, and there have been so many after that.
Rest assured, there are somethings I will never delete ...
May the rhyme outlive the reason ...
While I prefer to blame my genes (and I have plenty of evidence to back me up), there is no running away from wading through the clutter for something important or the humongous clean up job that looms when the shit hits the fan. So it was that I set about deleting stuff from my inbox. Clearing out old mails that are no longer relevant, drafts that are never going to be sent and conversations that are better off in the trash wasn't such a big deal. Once before, when faced with an ultimatum to delete, I had even registered a new ID and forwarded all the conversations there. Probably its just as well that I don't remember the password now.
So anyway, I chanced upon a conversation from a long long time ago, and I couldn't help but smile. Yes, you'll probably think both parties have the mental age of a 5 year old (and that is true sometimes, won't blame you there) but nevertheless, it was just impromptu and fun. This was way back in the past, and there have been so many after that.
Rest assured, there are somethings I will never delete ...
M: dozed off??!!It's ironic where the conversation ended. Or just profoundly prophetic. Either way, the last few items have featured in more conversations than I can remember and have been an endless source of humor, leg pulling, exasperation and death threats. But mostly humor.
:P
Me: scope
M: wide
Me: screen
M: TV
Me: cabinet
M: joey!!
Me: kangaroo!
M: austrailia
Me: fosters
M: mug
Me: shot
M: doctor
Me: quack
M: duck
Me: hunt
M: helen
Me: troy
M: brad .....?!
Me: mr smith
M: angelina
Me: marianne
M: french
Me: wine
M: red
Me: shawshank
M: prison
Me: stripes
M: zebra
Me: discovery
M: earth
Me: 1947
M: aamir :)
Me: innova
M: role
Me: lead
M: pencil
Me: HB
M: 2B
Me: or not 2B?
M: stuttering parrot
M: !
continue na...
Me: (how is stuttering parrot related to hamlet)
M: (if u hv read "the mystery of the stutterin parrot" !!)
(hehe...)
Me: ok ...
treasure island
M: pirates
Me: silicon valley
M: (??)
Me: (pirates of silicion valley - movie about bill gates, etc)
M: (ok)
microsoft
Me: (there is potentially no end to this)
bugs
M: (hehe..but its fun)
lady
Me: drivers
M: accidents
Me: serendipity
M: fortune
Me: seeker
M: endless
Me: space
M: jam
Me: dravid
M: tamil
Me: rassam
M: rice
Me: jeera
May the rhyme outlive the reason ...
2009-01-16
As the Text Message would say - GR8
Supercar spotting on S.B. Road.
After being foiled once by a truant watchman who understood the importance of light in the whole photographic scheme of things, attempt #2 appears to have worked somewhat.
After being foiled once by a truant watchman who understood the importance of light in the whole photographic scheme of things, attempt #2 appears to have worked somewhat.
In case you have already ordered this, and ran out of money before you could check mark the Carbon Ceramic brakes on the options list, there is one more aid to reduce those 100-0 times - one which is very much underrated. Again, spotted on S.B. Road.
2009-01-15
Doping Dilemma
This thing adorning the skyline has caught my eye many times and as I wait for the lights to turn green, I wonder what exactly it is they were trying to say - and sell.
- It is a secure hideout for druggies - but then it should say 'demands'
- It is a secure hideout for druggies and this hoarding is an order directed at the people who run the place.
- Since it is not an official venue for anything, doping is fine.
- Other housing societies routinely conduct dope tests and its getting to be quite meddlesome. They don't - and that is their USP.
